Monday, January 9, 2012


There are times when my heart breaks all over again. Then, there are times I know I'm strong. I can take it. I know my lone voice in this ocean of noise is heard. And I help someone.

Since the first time I opened up about my loss on a non-stillbirth website, I've had women find me. Some are Angel Moms, some are friends of Angel Moms, and some just want to thank me for my honesty.

It's crazy because I started selfishly. I wanted to meet Angel Moms who weren't constantly on sad websites where new Angel Moms would come in everyday. Don't get me wrong, there was a site that got me through in the beginning. It's just that, when I was ready to move on, they wouldn't let me. Every new Angel Mom broke my heart all over again. It'd take me back to a place I had to move from.

And there were so many of us.

So many broken hearts.

I needed to know that I could move on. That there were women who'd moved on. Not forgotten, just gathered up their broken hearts and carried them as they tried to put together the pieces.

I feel like I've done that. There's some pieces missing, but I've picked up my pieces and I've walked through Hell. In my eyes, it was the only thing I could do.

So for the Angel Moms who've found me, here's what I did in the beginning to get me through. It's not fail-safe. I couldn't be around babies until I had Wombat, not even when I was pregnant, and it hurts to see the children from Moose's Bradley Class. Actually, it breaks my heart to see children I think are close to the age Moose would've been. And sometimes, my heart just breaks.

So back to what I did to get through:
  • My boyfriend (he wasn't my husband at that time) and I told each other all of our "what if..." Like "what if I'd not ran that time right after we found out I was pregnant." By saying them, we'd realize how outlandish some of them really were.
  • We did a bunch of things that we couldn't have done if we had a baby. For us, that meant staying out late, planning a trip (didn't happen since I got laid off shortly after returning to work), planning a wedding, and just enjoying each other.
  • Think about the happy things that happened with Moose. Moose loved listening to the band Rush. I remember going to a doctor's appointment, turning the music up loud because I love Rush, and feeling Moose move around. It was like Moose was playing air guitar, or I guess womb guitar, in there. Rush still makes me smile.
The most important one:
  • Recognize that there is no way that Moose would've wanted his/her legacy to be my pain. If I stayed in misery, Moose's mark on this world would be my pain and I could not allow that.
Since it's been two years, I've decided that part of Moose's legacy should be my voice. I'll give a voice to the Angel Moms who can't speak openly about their loss. I want people to know it happens even if a mom does everything right, but most importantly, I want Angel Moms to know that they can live through it.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you again for all of your honesty. I have always enjoyed following your story and all of your comments on various topics (especially being team green). We will always remember Moose and Wombat!