Friday, February 18, 2011

Week 17

Right now is halfway to when I lost Moose. I'm freaking out. Really freaking out, like all the time. Sitting here, I'm pratcially in tears because I'm so scared. How am I going to make it through all of this. I mean I'm month 4. It's Febraury. I'm due at the end of July. I have so long to go.

Wombat, could you just punch, kick, or whatever REALLY hard just to let me know you're fine? I just need to feel you. I need something that's unmistakably you, not just a swish. I need a Mike Tyson punch, please.

It's a good thing I go to the doctor on the 21st. I couldn't wait until the 8th.

I guess it doesn't help that I read about a healthy baby being born at week 33. That's always a kick to my heart. However, her doctor suspected something was up and was monitoring her closer than I was monitored with Moose, but still. It hurts. But I can't live in "what if..." Life isn't "what if..." Life is what's happened and there's no turning back and changing it. Life is living without Moose and hoping Wombat makes it all the way through.

Every pregnant woman freaks about her pregnancy. Every woman wonders if everything is progressing properly. It's harder though when that unknown is a reality. Something constantly watching and waiting, tourmenting.

Yes, I'm also being a hormonal, pregnant woman. I may have cried over prenatals last night. Anyway, pregnancy hormones and loss do not go well together.

For those of you who are pregnant, what are your fears? We all have them because I see them on the Bee all the time.

Friday, February 11, 2011

I Want a Bradley Birth

I'm pretty sure that I've said repeatedly that I want a Bradley Birth; it's important to us. Us as in my husband (Let's call him George because I love that name) and I. But many people don't know what that is or think that the birth process needs to be something they think about. I didn't realize this either until I cried thinking about an epidural and giving birth to a watermelon aka Moose. So I did what all good Enlgish Majors do: read (yeah, I'm a horrible speller and okay at grammar, but I do have a degree in English. It's my literary interpritation skillz which got me the degree.)

I read The Business of Being Born about different births and then I read some more. After reading and talking with "George," we decided that the best choice for us was Bradley. It's not right for everyone and I firmly believe that everyone should do what is right for the mother and partner. I am not one of those "oh, you didn't have a natural birth so you're a horrible mother," people.

Every situation is different and should be discussed with a doctor.

Anyway, back to me. Once we decided on Bradley, we immediately started classes. By this time, it was pretty late in my pregnancy, so we needed to get on the ball. We'd go every Saturday, bond with our other students and with each other, bicker over being late, and dread doing homework (nothing that bad, just reading and worksheets). Through all this, we learned what to expect. What my body would go through, how to handle it, and how "George" could help me get through it. We did this for several weeks until I started having what I thought were Braxton-Hicks contractions on Friday. They weren't.

Skipping ahead...

We went to our room at the maternity ward/birthing center and "George" coached me through each contraction. "You're going to have one soon. Okay, just 15 more seconds (until it ebbs), you're halfway through, now it's starting to ebb and it's done" He set up music; The Cure because they're awesome and meloncholy.

He coached me through each contraction because we knew what to expect. It wasn't unknown. It was "this is what we trained for," and "this is what we know." It was good to have something known because we were in the unknown. It was good to have him there at every step telling me what was going to happen, when it was happening, for how much longer.

My #1 tip for labor is go to the bathroom when you need to go. There is nothing worse than you're body trying to push everything out of you and you not listening. I mean, if you want to poop on the table before you deliver, don't go to the bathroom. Otherwise, just go to the bathroom. It makes everything so much easier. And if you want your partner to go with you, it's the least they could do. I totally made "George" come with me.

Anyway, I labored in the tub. Just laid in that tub with warm water. Contractions were easy there. I was warm. Still "George" counted and coached.

People may say I did the hard work, but "George" sat beside me, putting his pain to the side, and took care of me. I had a distraction; he just had me and I could do nothing. He was my advocate. He was my voice. He did everything. Just like he was trained. Just like he wanted to do.

As we were trained, about 20 minutes before I went into active labor, I wanted drugs. I was adament about drugs. I thought they'd give me something to send me to Jupiter for my mental anguish. They didn't. They gave me crap. It wasn't worth it at all. I still hurt and felt everything.

Then I delivered a Moose. For the first time in 34 weeks, my body was all mine. No little Moose parasite. Just me. Yeah, the delivery went really quickly. (I did my Bradley exercises like I was told which helped me push that baby out in less than an hour)

Anyway, all that coaching from "George" made the difference. All his training with Bradley made it his second nature. It brought us closer. It made us a team like never before. I think our team would be just as strong if we had Moose, but we didn't. And since we didn't, it made it easier for us to talk about our pain. To tell the other everything. It's still that way. We tell each other everything. We're open to each other, even the crazy things that we'd never tell anyone else and never thought we'd tell anyone.

Taking Bradley Classes gave us the tools we needed to get through the labor and delivery. It made it possible to live through our loss.

Ironic thing about the day I delivered: our Bradley Class was taking the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and SIDs class as I was delivering.

I've already signed up for Bradley Classes for Wombat's birth since we never finished the classes for Moose's. After Wombat's birth, I am really hoping to become a Bradley Instructor. They need some Angel Moms in that organization because they have no idea about Angel Moms. They, like so many, don't know, but need to know since they are teaching birthing.

Any other questions? Here's a link to their FAQs or feel free to ask me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Dear Wombat

You're an awesome baby, you really are. No, I'm not breaking up with you. I can't. I'm your Mommie. We're stuck together for the rest of our lives. Sorry. What I'm trying to actually say is I'm sorry I'm not saying you're the most awesome baby ever. I just can't.

See really, you're a second child. You're not my first born. You'll always have to tell your younger siblings (Hopefully you'll have them) that you may be older, but you can't say the oldest. You'll always have Moose, who will always be older than you. Maybe Moose won't fart on your head, argue with you over whose turn it is, or tattle tale on you, but Moose will always be there.

The good thing is you'll never be alone. You'll always have an older sibling watching out for you. Always have your back.

But let's talk about you. You're feisty. I know. You wiggle all the time at the doctor's office. Your heartbeat is so strong. You're really strong because you made sure I felt you at 10 weeks. You even let your Dad feel you. Keep that feistiness. I know it'll bite me when you aren't contained within my womb. It's fine. Just get out of there healthy. Scream at the top of your lungs when you pop out (could you really just pop out and make labor super easy? That'd be awesome. Thanks). Let me know you're fine.

Anyway, keep up the good work of growing and letting me know you're still going strong. I may complain about peeing all the time, but really, I don't mind. You're my kid. I'll always get your back unless you get a face tattoo. Please no.

Anyway, remember I love you. You're an awesome baby. I'm a really awesome Mommie. Why don't you stay around and meet me? Your Dad is super awesome sauce amazing. If you make sure to stay around and meet us, I promise we'll make it worth your while.

Your Mommie

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

2 Pounds

So as I stated before, I'm doing Wii Fit (thanks ZJ Titan for the awesome Christmas present). Well, I guess it's working because instead of gaining weight, I'm losing it and not just according to Wii Fit either. The doctor's weight said I lost weight.

Yes, please, everyone hate me now.

It's crazy. What woman in her fourth month of pregnancy (and hasn't been that sick) actually loses weight? I do that's who. It's all coming from my fatty thighs though, not the belly. The belly grows and grows and grows. Obviously I'm proud, but we did ask the doctor. She said it's fine because she won't be concerned until I reach the thrid trimester. Plus, it's only 2 pounds in a month. Nothing crazy from not eating or anything. Besides, Wombat and I love food way too much.

I'm just glad to be getting in better shape for our Wombat. Anyone else start exercising while pregnant? Did it do anything?

Red, Red Wine

We went to the doctor again yesterday. This time it was just the regular doctor, but still, we heard a nice heartbeat. As far as all the tests, so far, everything is normal. Nice, but I wish they could tell me that I'll 100% have a baby in July who will leave the hospital with me. However, saying that I know that there are the less than 3% who aren't lucky. If I'm one of the lucky ones, that just means that some other woman is walking away in tears again. Statistics do come from somewhere, right?

As far as how I feel, I have a baby in my lungs. I can't breathe and it's annoying. Yes, I'm a woman who has an Angel Baby complaining about being pregnant, but pregnancy is freaking hard. Maybe if I could have a medium rare steak with a really nice glass of Cabernet, I'd shut up for a little while, but I can't. Well done steak with milk or juice or water or, for a treat, grape soda. I just want some wine, really good red wine. It doesn't even have to be Cab. I'll just take something red.

So, yes, I'm complaining like any other pregnant woman about missing something she can't have while pregnant. Guess I've got something in common with regular pregnant women than I thought.

What are/were the things you missed while you were pregnant?